Losing the love of my life.

There isn't a perfect way to say how much you mean to me or how much I miss the way the sounds of you snore when the blinds to the window spiral out of control when you stuck your little nose to see who was walking past.

The zoomies you got when you wanted to go outside, running around and panting. The way you sat down for me to put your collar on, bursting through the door as you ran into that field. Sniff sniff on the ground you go, checking for new smells, how your tail wagged and was ready to go back inside the apartment so we could isolate ourselves from the world.

I remember when I had my surgery, I was sitting in the living space of my parent's home. You walked over to me, ears perked up and then lung towards me to jump into the chair. I was thrown off and not ready for the long piercing of your nails into my skin, I shoved you off. But I immediately ran to your side, laughing and wondering why you did such an odd strange thing.

I still remember the day I got you, I was only 10 years old when they brought you home. Oklahoma was having one of those really bad snow storms, they had gone back to pick you up, saving you. You had one other dog with you but when they returned he/she was gone, leaving you. But when I got you I promised never to leave your side. When you had killed that bird, you were so severely sick. But at the age of twelve, I had gotten you a bowl of water and sat next to you, nursing you until you finally coughed up whatever had you down. Within seconds you were back to your hyper-energetic self.

I have so many memories but these past two months were the freshest ones in my mind. I tell myself you waited until I was well after my surgery, sticking by me and pushing through until the week we got back home. I tried so hard to take care of you, thinking you would bounce back.

Then I woke up on January 21st, I remember blood being everywhere and not knowing what to do. Calling every pet hospital and none had openings. I was shaking until I finally found a place I wasted no time to take you, The wait was unbearable, it was scary, and then they let me see you. But you were weak, you weren't that same energetic baby I once knew, I looked deeply into your eyes and saw the pain. I couldn't be selfish, and I made the decision. It hurt, to watch you leave me, I stayed with you the entire time until you left me. I was alone, my heart had sunk deep and my mind went blank. You are my best friend, my partner in crime, my pain in the ass.

The morning of my birthday Tuesday, February 14th the clouds in the sky stormed, and the rain poured. I knew it was you, your tears. I told you.

"Baby do not cry, I will be okay because I know you'll always be with me."

Then the clouds rolled over, the sun peaked through the clouds, and the weather grew warm. You were smiling and that was the best gift you could've ever given me.

Rest easy my beloved baby

04/09/2010-01/21/2023 Vanilla Bean - my best friend in this tiny little universe.